I am sorry this will be the last journal, I will write.
I am writing this to you here because I know no other way to get through to you or to get into contact with you because you still choose to ignore me, cut me off and you have blocked me. I have tried so very hard to move forward these past few days but I can't, I miss you terribly. I can't understand what it is, that I have done that is so bad that we can't talk, about it. I hope you can read this and understand, how I am feeling and how very heart broken I am from all of this animosity and hatred you feel, for me right now. And if this makes you happy, that I am typing this out in a journal for everyone to read then that's fine because right now, I hate me too and I don't care anymore, who reads this and what they have to say about it. I simply don't care anymore because I believe in fighting for the people that I care about, I don't just give up. I am sick of the tears and I am sick of the empty void, I feel when there was once a friend, that meant the world to me and who is not there anymore. I am so very, very sorry for whatever it is, that I have done to hurt you and for your decision in having to force yourself, to cut me off completely. I thought we cared enough for each other, that no matter what obstacles were put in front of us that we would work our way through them. If I didn't know that you were worth fighting for as a friend, I wouldn't be doing this right now. I would move on and not give a damn. I WILL NEVER GIVE UP on YOU! You are my FRIEND no matter how hard you fight against me to distance yourself from me. YOU mean the absolute world to me. I know that I promised, I would NEVER hurt you and I realise that I have done just that. I have made a mistake, somewhere when I panicked and realised that I had gone too far by having said something, a word or accusation or whatever it was, I said. And I thought I had lost you for ever. I wish I could take it all back. I panicked which forced me to do and say things that I did not think through first. I was afraid and I was like a child that was so frightened of losing the love of a parent. But in our case the love of a friendship between two people, who really cared about each other. Well that was how I felt, anyhow.
Only, right now I am so confused because I don't understand, if you were that person that claimed she would NEVER leave my side or let go of my hand because of your reaction in cutting me off without allowing me to explain, myself. Why have you done this to me? I simply can't understand it! If I knew, I would know how to address it and try to become a better person.
You helped me and brought me so much happiness in the past 14 months and you helped me realise that there are people that do care about others here and this encouraged me to become a better person. You made me realise that there is love in this world and not all people are the same. I walked with sunshine in my life and heart and stopped fighting back when people were being nasty about my art. You taught me to TRUST people again in life and here on Deviant Art. You brought me laughter, you showed me concern, you showed that you really cared. You were a true friend, what made you change and turn against me? I TRUSTED you in the full sense of the word and with my whole heart. What am I to believe now? Am I to believe that you didn't care and everything you told me was a lie. Can you please help me understand, all of this please. If I didn't care about you, I would not have shared my life with you. I shared every single detail, every heartache and every joy with you. You gave me a purpose to continue living, I was like a child who looked forward to our chats on a daily basis. It gave me purpose to smile, for living because I believed you CARED. I believed I had truly found a friend in you. What am I supposed to believe now? I looked forward to caring for you and worrying about you, too. And this will never change for me, ever. I will always worry, I will always care and love you.
I cared so much that some days I would cry knowing that you were so unhappy about certain things in your life and I couldn't be there to give you a hug in person and tell you it would get better or the pain would go away, with time. I am so sorry, if I sounded insensitive or it seemed that I didn't care recently but I was having such a difficult time myself with my own problems, that I honestly forgot what day and time it was. And I REALLY did not want to burden you with any more than you could handle.You will NEVER understand or know just how much I still do care and love you. I want you to know that I am a true friend and that I have NEVER left you, the way you have left me. I am besides myself with worry daily.
When I spoke to you with regards to a concern, I had with someone here, it was NOT because I was jealous or vindictive it was out of genuine concern for you and your well being. My therapist has made me see my error in doing this because she says, I should not have said anything at all and that you would figure it out yourself sometime. I was just trying to protect you, that is all I wanted to do. I do this in life too, I protect the people, I love and care about because I always put myself in their shoes first. And if I can prevent any harm coming to these people, I will make sure that I prevent anything from happening to them. It's just who I am as a person. Even if it costs me losing their love or friendship in the end. You getting angry with me about my concerns and caring nature by cutting me off like this, has left me confused and very hurt. I thought you of all people would understand, me. Is there any crime in protecting someone that you care so much for? Please help me understand so that I know, where I had gone wrong. I also laid off on telling you certain problems these past weeks because you were so stressed out already at the time, with your own personal problems. I was not deliberately making you worry. Is this not what a friend is all, about? I don't know anymore what is right from wrong and I am left feeling very confused. Was this a reason for you to cut me off completely and to make me believe, that I am the one, solely, to blame for all that has transpired between us? Please help me understand! You have made me feel that you didn't trust me at all and enough, to know that I really cared and loved you so very much as my friend. My understanding is, that this is what true friends do if they really care about one another. I did not do this out of Malice or to purposely hurt you but out of Genuine concern for you and your wellbeing. But instead I am left feeling that you have judged me and accused me of being irrational and pathetic. I wish, I could speak to someone here to help me or to get them to understand what I am saying, without any one judging me because you won't speak to me. I need to make sense out of all of this. I feel so helpless and confused. And I blame myself, if this is what your intention is to make me go through the rest of my life believing and blaming myself for hurting you, well then I can understand why you have cut me off completely. I refuse to believe you are this cold and callous person.
You say I did NOT appreciate your friendship, you could not be further from the truth, you meant and still do mean the world to me. You accuse me of being revengeful but then what have you done by cutting me off after you told me you would be there to help me. You say I am hateful then when I reach out for help you ignore me. I have appreciated every single little thing you have done for me. Like I have said, it was not the big things that mattered but the million little things that you did for me, to make my days so very happy and blessed. I wish you could know just how happy I used to be. Only for that happiness now to be taken away from me by the very one person who knew that I depended on you for just a while longer. You are and will always be loved and I will NEVER forget the sweet caring person, I once knew. I say this in past tense because I know in my heart that you don't give a damn anymore.I just wish that caring person would understand and forgive me for whatever, it was that I had done. And NOT allow me to believe that all the caring, love, compassion and empathy these months were a BIG LIE. Why have you punished me like this? I am not sick, a stalker, revengeful or a hateful person. Who ever has given you this information here on Deviant Art is the one person who has set out to destroy our friendship out of jealousy and are these things themselves. I can't understand, why you would think the worst of me. I wouldn't be hurting so much, if this were true about me. I would turn my back and never look back. My whole world has fallen apart because I have lost someone, who I respected and who I believed was a TRUE friend. A person I looked up to and who expected never to hurt me. A friend who said she cared for me and would always love me. How could you turn on me like this and make me feel that I did not matter? You have discussed me with your friends here after promising that you would NEVER do this and that I could trust you. Please help me understand why you have turned on me like this because nothing makes sense to me anymore.
How do I go forward in life knowing that the last 14 months were a lie and that you have been doubting me all this time and NEVER believed a single word, I said. I am NOT a liar. I took our friendship seriously and I wanted so desperately to prove to you, that I was healing. You were doubting yourself, I was not the one doubting you. I had complete faith in you and knew you were always going to be there for me. What happened? I put my faith in you but it seems you did not have enough faith in me and this is why it's been so easy for you to move on. When I look at your profile you seem not to be concerned that we mattered at all to each other, as friends. I can't call myself a friend and then move on without knowing and feeling that someone mattered to me so much, so that I can't forgive myself for a friendship lost. I am grieving so much, I can't pretend that you did not matter to me anymore, when you still do. My heart, my soul and conscience won't allow me to forget. I am reminded daily, that I somehow have hurt someone out there that I care so much for in this world, who now hates me and is repulsed by even being associated with me. I will NEVER be able to forgive myself for it, ever. If this is what makes you happy then I understand, you NEVER came across to me as a HEARTLESS human being.
I don't feel like being here on Deviant Art anymore because I am so afraid of making friends and being treated in the same manner. The joy in my art has vanished and I see no pleasure in it anymore. I hope you are happy now, that I have gone practically on my hands and knees here in a journal to beg you for your forgiveness and for one more chance.
To my many loving and caring friends I am so very sorry for all the hurt and pain I have caused you in the past, please forgive me.